Cynthia and I carpooled alone on the way to Monique’s dumpling party and I told her about you and most of the aspects of how our relationship functioned. On the drive back home, she began to question me about my approach. This prompted me to ask her the same question I have asked you: why do you date? From my experience I have learned that there are two basic answers to this question (with some minor variations here and there of course). They are: 1) I date because I am simply looking to have fun and to have someone to be with and because I know this relationship (despite being short term) will have mutual benefits – or perks. Furthermore, it will give me experience in dating and prepare me so that when I meet Mr. or Ms. Right, I will be adequately prepared to date them having already many of the relationship-straining or potentially ruining mistakes in previous relationships. Who knows? This person I am dating right now might turn out to be my future spouse! (this person is a little more easy-going about relationships, and generally, easier to get in bed) 2) I date because I am looking for my future spouse. Hence, each and every time I approach a potential dating situation, I ask myself if I have a future with this person. Can I see myself marrying this person? If the answer is no, then I do not date them and I do not even consider the notion as it would be betraying my future spouse. (this is a little bit of an extreme example but this person tends to be more reserved, takes dating more seriously, and is much more difficult to woo/seduce/hit on; a model Christian) You already know I would choose the first one. So did Cynthia. Haha. This in turn led to a conversation about how a model relationship should look. Although I know ours is far from model, I do believe a large amount of freedom is necessary and vital to a trusting relationship. Cynthia disagreed. Cynthia’s basic premise was that I was somehow training you to develop a bad habit by giving you such an exorbitant amount of freedom in who you associate with. She postulated that because i give you so much freedom (to go on dates, watch movies, enjoy concerts, etc.) with other guys, when/if we break up, you will continue that behavior because I trained you in it and you will a) look bad to observers, b) your future boyfriend(s) will suffer because of how I have "trained" you, and c) deep down you are feeling hurt because despite the amount of freedom i give you (and encourage) that is not truly what you want and that you would prefer more unspoken restrictions and a greater feeling of security and trust with me that is fostered through more conventional behavior and conversations. Her premise revolved around the idea that we do not discuss who we think is hot or not with the implied agreement that we think each other are the most attractive people in the world. Her perception of me talking about “rock-climbing girl” TO you was that it was quite hurtful to you and that despite seeming OK with it on the outside; you were truly hurt and saddened on the inside. I countered that our relationship was mutually beneficial and although it is unconventional, it is working perfectly fine for us. It lets you enjoy your time with your friends and reduces your dependence on me to have fun. In addition, it saves me the time/cost/energy to take you out myself and frees me up to hang out with my own friends. Despite this fact, I admit that I do not take you out on dates nearly as much as i should, I do spend a good deal of time with you outside of the apartment. Furthermore, I attempted to convey to Cynthia how important I thought friendships were and that ultimately, I must choose my friends over my relationship (much in the same way you have told me you would choose Michelle over me). I know for a fact that you are much more intelligent than what Cynthia is guessing and you know that this is just how I like the way things to go. This prompted Cynthia to retort that i was simply a lazy boyfriend (which may or may not be true).

but then again.....

i don't want to die alone.

on marriage

today, i want to talk about marriage. i don't really want to go into specifics but i do want to discuss it as an institution.

to begin, why do it? what motivates us to marry someone? love? fear of being alone?company? "perks"?

i think it may be easier to answer these questions by saying why one shouldn't get married.

the way i see it, marriage is like a pair of handcuffs (i'm sure there are better analogies for what i'm trying to say but for now, this is all i can come up with). it ties you down and ties your hands. sometimes, because of marriage, people have to give up on their dreams in order to meet the needs or demands of their partner.

not only does it tie your hands preventing you from doing something you may want to, but it ties you down. with marriage comes responsibility. duty to your spouse, duty to your future with your spouse (whatever that may entail: divorce payments, kids, etc.) and usually, with marriage comes a requirement for a living space. when we get married, we become less mobile. we can't just get up and go somewhere anymore. we can't move. we become weighed down with material possessions and responsibilities. and make no mistake, the slower we move, the faster we die.

do we feel fulfilled by our marriages? certainly not! except for maybe those rare few girls for whom the perfect marriage is the ultimate goal.

not to say i don't believe in marriage, i just don't think it's for me.

i'm going to be honest....

...i'm not much of a blogger. the idea of revealing my thoughts and perceptions to the rest of the world to analyze and critique seems horrific to me. possibly why i kept all the entries private for so long. however, at this point, it seems that no one really knows very much about my thought processes and well, anything about me.

of late, there are three specific things that have been on my mind (in this order as well):

1) materialistic objects that i covet: to be more specific, cars.

if you don't already know, i recently gave my car to my brother, immediately afterwards, i began to regret it. honestly, i am not sure what came over me. it's not only that i was in love with that car, but the convenience of just having one was not really on my mind, i took that car for granted.

now that i don't have one, all i do in my spare time (and especially late at night, it's a guilty pleasure) is look online through craigslist, ebay, cars.com, autotrader, carmax for cars that i put into my bookmarks for future consideration.

the problem is that i just don't feel that i can settle for a mediocre vehicle. i want a nice car. like an idiot.

fortunately, i don't have the funds to purchase and maintain such a car right now. however, in may i am going to Japan to see my grandmother (on my father's side). and i am quite sure she is going to give me a ludicrous amount of money, more than enough to buy the cars i covet. see the thing is, i am technically the future head of our family (not to boast, but to explain). in asian culture, the first-born son of the male line inherits all the goodies. i happen to be the first-born son of the first-born son of the first-born son and so on and so forth. in addition, my father's side of the family (in Japan) is extremely wealthy. to give you an idea, my grandmother (on my father's side) recently gave my younger brother an island. yes, an island. you see, she is a real-estate queen worth millions.

when i come back, i expect to be able to purchase a nice vehicle.

but i am torn! as much as i want a nice new car, i feel humiliated to buy such a stupid and unnecessary thing. considering we are in a recession and many of my friends are experiencing economic crisis, i would feel pretty awful if i was financially unresponsible while my friends are worried about supporting their families or dropping out of school because they can't afford to stay. and i had a new car.

i also feel concerned because of how i would feel about those who i don't know who aren't as fortunate as me.

2) girls, that's pretty self explanatory but i'll elaborate anyway. it's the curse of a single guy at tech. so much of what i do is motivated by or for girls. unfortunately, the dearth of them only makes the ones that i do see more prominent and it's hard not to lower my standards or settle.

on second thought, i'd really prefer not to elaborate on this one.

3) money, ties in with the first point on cars.

done. peace.

saved by God's grace and a small amount of luck

late last night, eric russell and i went to the abandoned home depot behind QT to do some donuts in the rain. on the way back, we were racing another car. we were doing 80 or 90 when we hit the last curve of buford hwy, i underestimated the sharpness of the curve and lost control of the car. we were about to hit the concrete barrier at 90 miles an hour when i regained control of the car less than a foot away from the barrier.

there are five things that saved my life and had any of them been any different, i would have died last night:


1) the fact that there was a huge 15ft wide emergency lane for that curve that i drifted into that didn't follow the normal curvature of the road

2) the fact that i was doing it with eric russell who knows more about handling cars than anyone else; he talked me through regaining control

3) the fact that we had just done donuts so the tires were nice and hot and really really grippy on the road

4) it wasn't too wet, there weren't any puddles on the road

5) the fact that three weeks ago, i installed a new suspension package that cost me and arm and leg but apparently saved my life last night. i know that if i hadn't done that, it would have taken me an extra half-second to regain control, the car would have rolled over, hit the barrier and we would have died.


1 and 5 seem really mind-blowingly lucky to me and i have a new appreciation for life and God.

open mind in faith

i think it's important to keep an open mind, especially in faith.

of late, i have been participating in prayer meetings and bible studies with the Living Stream Ministry and the church in atlanta.

i enjoy them very much, much more so than Bethany's small groups (unfortunately).

more on this on Wednesday

the solution to world hunger

you know how old people say, "don't eat those cookies, you'll spoil your dinner."

well, i ran out of money on my mealplan and i don't have any food in my apartment except for some cookie dough.

so to stave off my hunger, i've been baking and eating batches of cookies just before i get hungry so i don't have to pay money to eat real food.

for lunch i had fifteen or so chocolate chip cookies and for dinner i had about twenty oatmeal raisin cookies.

admittedly, it's pretty pathetic but i feel like i might have something here.

Need motivation?

looking outwards

i have been given the opportunity to lead small group this week. i've been planning to take us to atlanta union mission, the carpenter's house.

now i admit, i haven't been praying for the opportunity. but i have been yearning to share the blessings of that place with my peers and that is evident in some of my previous blog posts. i hadn't realized this yearning until this saturday when i was given this opportunity. NOW i will be praying that the Lord will reveal himself to us through this.

i have been truly dissatisfied with small group of late. granted, we have a lot of newcomers and that is wonderful. it is great to see new faces coming to become intimate with God. however, i have been asking, "am i seeing these new faces because they feel comfortable and at home among their fellow believers? or is it because they truly wish to seek His face?" small group has become routine. it has become about emotions. and worst of all, it has become a constant. i realized this week, although sometimes i dreaded attending small group and tried to wiggle out of it, was it because i was truly "busy"? are we truly that busy? could i not spare 3 hours to share with my brothers and sisters my struggles over the course of the week? or are we no longer seeing that spark of God in that place? has the air become dead? why was i seeking an excuse not to go? it hit me at the end of small group last week when jae said, "it's time to take the next step and shake things up and contribute to our community." we have been looking inwards to ourselves for so long. we have been focusing on our selfish problems and desires and thinking it was holy. we have lost sight of what God wants. no. we should focus outwards on God's people who are less fortunate than we are. we will only make ourselves more miserable, more unhappy by focusing on our problems, on our wants and needs. if we look outward, we will see how tiny and insignificant our selfish emotions are. and we will truly see for the first time. and our problems, our desires won't just seem smaller to us, but we will begin to focus on God's desires.

are we truly ready to take the next step? are we truly ready to shake things up? are we truly ready to become vulnerable for God? many of us are. many of us are not. it saddens me because i realized this after speaking with vivian about spiritual gifts tonight. she saw someone speaking in tongues for the first time ever and it truly terrified her. it caused her to see doubts in her walk. and as she was telling me this, i realized, is she that different from most of the small group people? no! she is not unique in her fear of the unknown. we are all afraid of becoming vulnerable. we are all afraid of exposing ourselves. but we will be stronger for it. but there will be bumps along the road. these devotionals we will be having over the next few weeks will truly separate the spiritually strong from the spiritually weak.

this afternoon, i took soo along with me to Atlanta Union Mission. we visited my friend mike allen and asked him for some advice about bringing my friends there.

we had dinner together with him and his friend michael and it was such a wonderful blessed time. he shared his testimony and it was beautiful to hear how much he cared about me after meeting me. he remembered me and was afraid i had forgotten him. just to see how happy he was to see me and see that i had remembered him was a blessing in it of itself.

i was ashamed because spiritually, they are wealthier than we are. they are so in tune with God. yes, they have made their share of mistakes. but in a sense, don't we all have an addiction to something or other in our lives? can we truly say that we are better than they are? they learned from their experiences and exited their lifestyles before it became too late. before they died. but are we any better? have we learned from our life mistakes? visiting that place puts my life on display in perspective for me.

Isaiah 61
The Year of the LORD's Favor

¹ The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
because the LORD has anointed me
to preach good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,

² to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,

³ and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD
for the display of his splendor.

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spiritual selfishness

for bethany small group we usually begin or end by going around in a circle and sharing how our weeks have been and any specific prayer requests. this week, outwardly, it seemed the same as usual. but something seemed wrong beneath the surface. i couldn't quite put my finger on it. it was only after joe mentioned how manan (josh's best friend) had the most Godly prayer request that i realized what was wrong. before i share what manan's prayer request was, let me give some background information about manan. he and josh have been best friends since high school and they are currently roommates. manan is not christian. actually, he is agnostic. and he usually doesn't come to small group unless josh manages to convince him to come along - which i rare, at best. now, manan's prayer request was one of thanksgiving for kind-hearted people - good samaritans, so to speak. and only after joe mentioned how manan's prayer request didn't follow the trend did i realize what was wrong. all our prayer requests and everything we shared were focused on ourselves. i want to be less lonely, i want to see my family, i want to know God is working in my life. nothing we, as bethanites, said was spread outwards. we were all worried about ourselves. manan was not. i mean, there is nothing wrong with asking from God for ourselves. but we should direct our energy outwards. towards Christ and towards other people. i was embarassed that manan, the agnostic, had the most selfless prayer request while the rest of us had more selfish prayer requests. this was later reinforced when jae came by and began to speak about how it is time for bethany's college group to come out of our comfort zone and reach out to the community. it's time for a change. which is what i just talked about a few weeks ago.

what really struck me today was the bible passage for bible study today. ephesians 4:17-32. the gist of this passage is about how we need to give up our old selves, our old way of life, our old attitudes and trade them for a new one that is focused on Christ and others. it was just a huge reinforcement for what we talked about last night in small group. it was really amazing that that part of ephesians just happened to be our next passage in ephesians. God really showed his power there.



¹⁷So I tell you this, and insist on it in the Lord, that you must no longer live as the Gentiles do, in the futility of their thinking. ¹⁸They are darkened in their understanding and separated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them due to the hardening of their hearts. ¹⁹Having lost all sensitivity, they have given themselves over to sensuality so as to indulge in every kind of impurity, with a continual lust for more.

²⁰You, however, did not come to know Christ that way. ²¹Surely you heard of him and were taught in him in accordance with the truth that is in Jesus. ²²You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; ²³to be made new in the attitude of your minds; ²⁴and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.

²⁵Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body. ²⁶"In your anger do not sin"^[d]: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, ²⁷and do not give the devil a foothold. ²⁸He who has been stealing must steal no longer, but must work, doing something useful with his own hands, that he may have something to share with those in need.

²⁹Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. ³⁰And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. ³¹Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. ³²Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

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the life of the bachelor rocks!

call me old fashioned, but lately i've been thinking most people who are in relationships shouldn't be in those relationships. why? because we as human beings need more time to define ourselves before we begin to search for a relationship. experiences make up a person. i'm twenty years old and i'm still discovering who i am and experiencing change. i'm not saying that people shouldn't be defined by their relationships, even though they shouldn't. but many people do let their relationships define a large chunk of who they are. i think we need time to mature and experience life before we are ready to share ourselves with someone else. my parents used to say, "graduate college, start your career, make some money and only then should you dating girls." at the time, i was outraged and thought they were being ridiculous. but now, as i've grown and experienced a lot of life - and one bad relationship that taught me more about relationships then any ten possible relationships - i've grown to realize, i'm still growing and changing and being redefined by new experiences.

yes, granted, dating can be part of those experiences, but it's a minimal part. when you meet your soulmate, don't you want to be able to say, "i've waited for you and stayed pure and untainted for you."

in the last six months, i've experienced a major, personal and spiritual shift back towards God. i know it can happen at any time, but i don't think it would have happened if i were a little older. i might be more set in my ways or committed to a lifestyle. so true inner change happened to me while i was young. and i am willing to bet that young people in relationships are being hindered (not completely blocked, but hindered) in their search for themselves and God by their relationships.

i see pretty girls every day, and yes, i am attracted to them. yes, i think about what my life would be like if they were with me. it's impossible not to think about that. it's part of human nature. but yesterday, i sat down and wrote out some rules and guidelines that i think will help me stay single and focused on what's truly important, God.

i look around at all my friends who are dating (or trying) and i feel a little contemptuous. :( i know i'm not mature enough to handle a real relationship and i wonder, "are my friends ready to be dating?" and unfortunately, more often than not, the answer is no.

i think a real valuable relationship comes along only once in a blue moon. and when i look at a girl, i want to hear a voice, deep down within my soul, telling me YES! YES! YES! GO FOR IT! sometimes i think i hear that voice, but i know it's just what i want and not what God wants for me.

i'm taking myself off the market, so to speak. i'm not going to date girls until i feel God tells me i am ready. i hope it's soon though. i'm so lonely.

change

change can be a scary thing in many ways, but it's also a birth, it's also a transition. how many times have i said, and have you had this happen in your life, where a change was bad? it feels bad at the beginning and that's what change always feels like: i just got dumped by my girlfriend, this is horrible. i'm moving, this is horrible. i'm going to a new school this is horrible. i'm starting a new job, this is horrible. change always feels scary, always feels bad. why? because it's unknown and we're scared of the unknown. And that's what freaks us out. we build our lives around the known. we build our lives around: that's my car, that's my house, that's my wife, those are my kids, that's my club, this is where i go, that's my music, this is where i put my keys, and this is how i dress. that's what we build our lives around and when that gets interrupted, it scares the crap out of us. but yet, when it gets interrupted it's usually always for the best and if you think about the lives with no change, those are the most un-lived lives. it's the guy who's been the postal carrier for 60 years and lives in the house he grew up in. think about the opposite of change. Steve Jobs has had a lot of change in his life and i don't want to just equate it to money but i just mean change in one's life and lots of change makes for a very rich vivid colorful life that's been led, as opposed to: this is the town i grew up in, i'm coaching girl's basketball at the high school i attended, i married my sweetheart from the ninth grade and i'm in the house that my parents lived in until they passed on. that is a pathetic life. so change is a good thing. now here's the thing about change, often times, you don't get to be the captain of your own change ship. other people get to make those decisions and when you decide to change it feels good. i want to break up with this person, i want to move on, i have a higher paying job i'd like to get onto, you know what? metro atlanta is a much nicer place to live and i'm moving over there. that feels good. when someone else decides on change, well then you are freaked out and you don't know what to do. but... is it ever bad? think about all the change that's ever happened in your life, has it ever been bad? and no, for me, it's growth, it's the essence of growth, it's really what growth is, it's how you measure growth. it's the rings in your tree.

we are on a primal level, terrified of change. we are desperate to cling to anything warm and comfortable and familiar. but is change a bad thing? temporarily, it can be. you're out of a job, you're out of a relationship, you're out of your old apartment, you're out of your old neighborhood, but looking back, six months, a year from that point, have you ever looked back and said, "i wish i still had that job today." it's really the opposite. at the time, you thought your world was ending when you lost this job but then you got something better. in the moment, you think, "i can't believe this girl is dumping me, i'm never going to get over this." and then later on, down the road, you think, "thank God i didn't end up with that girl."

change is always met with resistance but if you let it go and you have a rear-view mirror and you see the change that has taken place in your life you'll understand that you never would have gotten that far down the road without all the change that is holding you up - and anyone who's made it to twenty has four or five significant changes behind them: relationships, jobs, schools, neighborhoods... have they ever been bad?

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rewards on earth, treasures in heaven

i never would have imagined that cooking and serving dinner to a hundred jobless, homeless men would be so rewarding.

tonight i went to atlanta union mission, the carpenter's house once again to help Bethany's korean ministry serve these men in need. in my last post about this, i mentioned that God had instilled in me a heart of servitude. although i still agree with that mindframe, i feel that a more accurate description of my heart would a description that focused on how my heart truly enjoys and rejoices when i serve them. God is so great that he put in me an immense eagerness that enjoys serving so much, not for the future benefits, but for the joy and fellowship i have with the fellow volunteers, the men who we are serving, and even the children of the volunteers. i love doing it. i get to meet new people, i receive praise from the km for my work, i have great conversations with the resident kitchen volunteers and i am encouraged by them. i do it to serve the Lord because we who serve are His hands and His feet on earth. but even more so, because my heart rejoices when i get smiled at and blessed by the homeless men.

quite honestly, i feel a little selfish because it blesses me so much.

granted, i have a massive language and cultural barrier on both sides. but God does not call us to remain in our comfort zones. rather, He calls us to do things we don't feel comfortable doing. sometimes it's embarassing. sometimes it's awkward. but without these little experiences, we would never grow at all.

consider this analogy. what if you never went to school because you were so comfortable with your parents and you didn't want to meet new people. what if you waited until you were comfortable leaving your parents? you wouldn't have gotten very far without taking that leap of faith, no?

serving the men at atlanta union mission definitely rocks way more than any philanthropy or service event at georgia tech (i.e. dance marathon, HERO, etc.) because of the immediate results. these men get so blessed and are so joyous just to see you. and it's soooo easy to interact with them and just sit down and have a conversation. those lame campus organizations can 't even begin to compare on the amount of life i feel and the joy i get out of serving these men. it's a direct connection rather than an indirect one. i mean, they're right there, living not more than five miles away from where i live. and a campus organization like that, in contrast, just doesn't directly relate the serving party and the party being served. i mean, "doing it for the kids?", really? i am very skeptical about that.

there are even huge benefits to helping these men. it creates a network as well. there are two examples that stand out in my mind.

1. campus parking. one of the men who helps to organize the homeless men works for Georgia Tech parking and he hooked me up with free parking for the semester!
   
2. special events. these men are involved in the community, hence they know a lot of people. today, i had a fantastic conversation with mike allen, a 53 year old homeless man who just encouraged me about my past, present, and future love life. he was also friends with the owner of uptown comedy club and he got me free tickets for me and four friends to enjoy the comedy club.
   

those are just two examples of worldly benefits i get out of serving. not to mention the even greater spiritual and emotional benefits from just uplifting these men and feeding them and fellowshipping with them and the other volunteers. i take so much joy out of it.

praise the Lord! today was a day of continual thanksgiving for everything God's given me in my life.

bubbles of society

i didn't really start noticing this until this semester but it's amazing how our little social bubbles and cliques remain separate from each other. for example, let us examine four different social bubbles i consider or used to consider myself a part of.

• delta chi - this is the fraternity i used to be an associate member in. i often hang out with these people on an individual basis and occasionally two or three at a time. however, i never see any of these gentlemen interacting with the other three groups except maybe occasionally the party animals.
• bethany metro atlanta small group - with the exception of mira, i rarely see this group interact with anyone who is not asian.
• gt party animals - these kids don't do anything but party and frat-hop. mostly girls.
• wheeler high school friends - this group has remained amazingly exclusive and reclusive. i say this because i looked at the facebooks of most of the kids i used to interact with and none of them have any posts on their walls from anyone outside of the wheeler community. i am truly amazed at how unique i am for branching out. that sounds so pretentious, but i really do believe i know more people outside of wheeler than any three wheeler/tech kids at tech combined.

these are just examples, i'm part of many of these little social bubbles on campus. the reason i bring this up tonight is because tonight i saw three of the above groups interact at the same event. well.... that's not true. sorry. two of the above groups interacted somewhat.

i invited wheatley, jane, and mv to free sushi tonight. but on the other hand, i also invited joe earlier in the week without remembering. these two groups sat on either side of me at the same table. and i didn't think it was awkward at all. as a matter of fact, both groups got along rather well. soo was there as well but she didn't sit with us, nor did i invite her. she went with her own friends. anyways, so that's dx and bethany interacting. very interesting. and estelle was at sushi as well and she brought some wheeler people. i didn't invite her either though.

so our little melting pot at steel of culture and cliques and organizations kind of triggered this thought. and i couldn't help but notice how some groups were very social and others are not social at all. they remain within their little protective social bubbles and refuse to come out. as someone who is very extroverted and good at meeting new people, i find this astounding. how could you not want to interact with the other groups when you have the opportunity?!?!

an extended version of the 25 note thing

1. I love love love God.

2. I am only half Korean. The other half is Japanese. And surprisingly, it is my father who is Japanese. My father changed his last name arbitrarily to Kim because it was short, sweet, easy to write, and in the 60’s not a lot of people had it (unlike now). This was done because of the tension between Korean people and Japanese people (some war, I forget). And my mother’s parents didn’t want her to marry a Japanese guy. So he pretended to be Korean by not talking much (he doesn’t speak Korean) and legally changing his name to Kim before he met my mother’s parents. i guess love makes you do crazy things, huh?

3. The only language I know is English because since my parents were of different nationalities, the only common language in our household was English. So that’s the one I was raised with. And I only passed through Spanish III. I failed Spanish IV.

4. My name is Blair Edward Kim. These names were chosen because they are European royalty (Blair was originally a Scottish prince and Edward was a bunch of English kings and princes and stuff) and my dad did not want biblical or originally Jewish names for me and my brother in case we did not become Christian.

5. I have a younger brother named Walter Spencer Kim (same deal with the names, see #4) and he is 3 years younger but 3 inches taller.

6. I don’t like cracking my knuckles.

7. I live on coffee so my room always smells like freshly roasted coffee.

8. I have been hit by lightning, twice. Once getting out of the pool and once when I was really angry, I was leaning against the gutter of my house in the rain and lightning hit the gutter and I was electrocuted.

9. I do not like music with a lot of drum beats. I don’t feel it is necessary to keep the beat with drums. I like quiet music that puts other people to sleep.

10. I get lonely very easily and hate being alone. But I also don’t like large groups of people either.

11. I once drank an entire bottle of maple syrup after seeing some of the characters from the movie Supertroopers do it. I later found out that the actors drank thickened sweet tea and not actually syrup. That made me mad. And I felt sick to my stomach for the rest of the day.

12. I pirate movies off the internet every day (shhhh!).

13. I severely dislike working out. I pretend I like it but really I don’t. I don’t get the endorphin rush other guys seem to get out of it and I don’t feel the need to become stronger or more awesome looking (ha!). I just need to get less fat. Working out makes me really tired and sore and I feel miserable for the rest of the day.

14. I think I am pretty good at designing and carpenting furniture and little things to make life easier.

15. I have only had one girlfriend in my life and we only dated for a month.

16. I have a huge heart for children and hence I serve in the children’s ministry at my church rather than joining everyone else for service. I want at least 3 kids and a big family but hopefully I’ll have more!

17. I would rather lose a leg than an arm.

18. I pay a lot more attention to detail than most people realize. When people don’t think I am listening, I usually am and I remember things that people don’t remember telling me.

19. I have kept a meticulously detailed record of everything I have done (events, long phone calls, people I hang out with, workouts, lunches with friends, skipping class, etc.) since September of 2004. And I have never missed recording a day. Ask me about the last time I had lunch with you and what we ate.

20. In addition to watching a lot of movies, I really like to make my own films. But I never show them to anyone else and I rarely make any films anymore.

21. I only really like one video game, it is a computer game, and it is the same game I have been playing since 1997. It is called Total Annihilation and it is a strategy game.

22. I don’t chew very much.

23. I have a cozy room. I have always had cozy and somewhat cramped rooms. I prefer smaller spaces (not so small that I become claustrophobic) but cozy. With a lot of lamps and rugs.

24. I don’t like doing laundry but I don’t mind doing the dishes.

25. I am spontaneous. I like to go do ridiculous things for fun (i.e. last night, my best friend uss and I searched the city at 2 am for an aadco electric road sign so that we could change it to say something more fun).

26. I know a lot of random things about history, economics and finances because that’s what my father studied and it’s all he used to talk to me about.

27. I have a mole on my left ear that makes it look like my ear is pierced. And it once was.

28. In high school, my mother never cooked so we ate out almost every day but I was still way more athletic than I am now.

29. I don’t sleep in a bed. I sleep on my futon and use my bed for storage. I have done that for about a year and prefer it that way.

30. I’m not gay but I kind of like the color pink. Not bright or dark pink. But more of a light whitish-pink that is more white than pink. I find it very soothing.

31. I like to have the window open (especially in winter).

32. Many of my close female friends have signed my bed. My big brother (in my fraternity) got me started on it and I continued the family tradition. And no, I haven’t done anything with any of them.

33. My favorite movies are ones in which the main character narrates what’s happening to them and you can watch it. I like movies that really tell a story instead of ones that just have a lot of action, romance or comedy.

34. I am really good at meeting people, especially girls (it’s not what you think) but bad at remembering I’ve met them.

35. The only time I got the guts up to ask a girl “out”, she turned me down (6th grade). We’re good friends now though.

36. I don’t drink. I don’t smoke.

37. I also don’t plan to start drinking again when I turn 21. So my 21st birthday will be a quiet ordeal because I am not celebrating getting to do something I couldn’t before, but rather I will be celebrating that I am a year older and that’s it.

38. I don’t get obsessed with anything or addicted to anything very easily.

39. I don’t like to sleep. I try to stay up as long as possible. I feel like it is the equivalent of death for 1/3 of your life (assuming you sleep 8 hours a day). My friends try to convince me otherwise but no one has succeeded. I normally do not sleep before 4am. And I am still an early riser. I have conditioned my body to run on only a few hours of sleep. I also take forever to fall asleep. Nowadays, I take sleep medication but when I was younger and I would sleep over at a friends’ house, I never actually fell asleep. It might have been the strange house or unfamiliar people but I just couldn’t sleep. I am also a very light sleeper.

40. I used to be pretty darn good at football for someone my size. Not anymore.

41. My favorite memories are the ones I made in the summer of 2006 in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. I got a full ride to attend a college credit dual-enrollment program at Carnegie Mellon University for two years and I didn’t go to class but had tons of fun! I failed every class two years in a row but still got the scholarship both years for some weird reason.

42. I am fascinated by different conceptions of the future. I love dystopian films and do a lot of internet research towards predictions and prophecies.

43. I like weather extremes. They make me feel tough.

44. I don’t like sweets as much but prefer good food.

45. I remember the morning my brother was born. I was only three and a half but still remember. I remember eating eggo waffles with Tabasco sauce for breakfast before going to the hospital to see my mom and new baby brother. I remember sitting in the waiting room looking at pictures of trains in a train magazine. I remember my dad telling me to go take mommy some water. I remember the bottle of water the most. It was a big Rubbermaid or Tupperware bottle with a yellow screw-on lid that had a pop-open top.

46. I categorize my friends into people who care about me and people who wouldn’t know I was missing. Do you know which group you are in? Actually, if you are reading this, you are in the group who cares and that I care about because I edited the privacy settings so that only the people who care or I care about can see this note.

47. I was once in a fraternity (Delta Chi) and will be in one again soon (Delta Chi). I hope.

48. I walk very slowly. Painfully slowly. I really really dislike walking fast anywhere. I think if you're walking, it means you want to enjoy your walk. If you're trying to get somewhere fast, you might was well run.

49. I rock at Ultimate Frisbee, the cello, and quick-reflex card games.

50. I know a lot about Atlanta and am good at finding my way around it because I spend a lot of money and time at good restaurants and stuff in Atlanta. I know many hidden gems and good deals. Let me buy you lunch sometime.

51. Everyone I know seems to know my most closely guarded secret. So I guess it’s not a secret anymore. I guess I didn’t guard it closely enough.

52. I liked to hide in department store clothing racks while my mom was shopping.

53. I don’t like basketball, soccer, tennis, ping pong, lacrosse, and most of all, bowling.

54. I had a lot of legos growing up.

55. My parents were probably much too lenient with me growing up. I got punished a lot as a kid but I got bigger than my parents very quickly. After that, I don’t think they really knew how to punish me or were just uncomfortable doing so. As a result, being grounded meant that if I asked permission to do something, it was no. But my parents always forgot I was grounded and eventually I just stopped asking permission. By the time I got to high school, I was never punished for anything. And allowed to do everything.

56. The worst injury I have experienced was when stepping on broken glass as a little kid. The most pain I have ever experienced was being hit during football by my friend Charles who now plays football for Dartmouth.

57. I got in trouble a lot during school. My parents never knew because I forged their signatures.

58. I am not afraid of authority. Cops are there to be community servants so stand tall! I got to ride in a police car once just because I asked. And last weekend, I got to ride a police motorcycle because I asked.

59. I have a tattoo. Just kidding. But I do want one.

60. I usually eat alone during the week. My schedule doesn’t coincide with people I know.

61. I don’t watch tv anymore. I accidentally tripped over the cord to my tv last month and ripped out the cable input on the tv.

62. I went to a magnet school instead of the high school I was supposed to go to.

63. I don’t want to be a doctor. I don’t want to be a lawyer. I don’t really care about making a lot of money. I just want to have fun with my job.

64. I am really good at mental math. College math, not so much.

65. I was awarded the “Contributed Most to Class” superlative in high school.

66. I am afraid of zombies. Once, a few years ago, I woke up early to get a drink of water. After I had quenched my thirst, I was sleepily trudging back up the stairs. When I reached the top, I saw a figure in my peripheral vision that I had not seen because it was behind the corner at the top of the stairs. Thinking it was a zombie, I yelled and punched it in the face. It was my dad.

67. I have a low gpa. Really low.

68. I am good at swimming pool games. Hence, I really like them. Sharks and minnows and stuff like that.

69. I like dressing up. Suits and all that. I don’t do it often though.

70. I’m not very funny but I like to have fun.

71. I ride my road bike around campus a lot.

72. I have never been fishing, skiing, surfing, sailing, or snow boarding.

73. If you ever want to get me anything, don’t buy me something, but spend some time with me.

74. I have stayed 2 nights in the Georgia Tech Hotel and Conference Center. For a conference.

75. You don’t want to get in a fight with me. I’m not big or strong or fast but I’m quick and I don’t give up.

76. I know how to use a gun. But I can't shoot.

77. I don’t like watching sports. I prefer to play.

78. I have never seen more than a few inches of snow.

79. In a few years, I will legally have to change my last name back to the original (Koga) in order to get any inheritance from my grandmother.]

80. My best friend in high school and I are now enemies.

81. I have my dream car, and it’s fast but I normally drive slowly unless stressed. Not to say I don’t like driving fast, I just normally drive slowly. Really.

82. I like dogs more than cats.

83. I like to listen to stories. I don’t like to read. But I really like short 5-20 minute audio stories (i.e. the moth podcast).

84. I hate routines.

85. I don’t like paying for bottled water.

86. I used to go really far into the woods and explore with my childhood friends all the time. I found tire swings, tree houses and what we called the Berry Patch which was someone’s backyard that had trampolines and flowers and old rusty cars and fun stuff kids would like.

87. I am really bad at basketball.

88. I am loaded. Financially. I currently have more money than almost all college students earn while they are in college. Hence, I love to treat people to lunch or dinner and if you ever need help financially (other than paying for your college) I will try to help you.

89. I don’t like pizza very much.

90. I can fly for free for the rest of my life.

91. If I don’t like you, you’ll know it. But don’t worry. I like you.

92. I would rather burn than freeze.

93. I don’t like Mondays or Tuesdays. Those are my most routine-filled, most lonely, most busy days.

94. All my nicknames are a variation of my real name Blair. I don’t have any nicknames for special ability or uniqueness. They are blar, blarr, blaarr (same nickname, everyone spells it differently), bliss, BKay, blairbear, beelair.

95. I don’t like spiders.

96. I use a lot of napkins when I eat.

97. I always talk about hot girls but I always have a specific one in mind.

98. I would really really like to go to outer space.

99. I don’t think any of you have ever seen me really mad. Really mad. My hands start shaking uncontrollably. And I tend to lose any semblance of self control.

100. I believe in space aliens.

a heart of servitude

God has instilled in me a tremendous heart of servitude. although i know it's been within me for years, it's finally beginning to come to fruition now. as i was telling jasmine (ye) earlier today over the phone, the seed was planted within me many years ago. but it wasn't until the first day of 2oo9 that it began to sprout and bear fruit for Him.

today i served at Atlanta Union Mission: The Carpenter's House. We cooked and served wings, fries, slaw, and orange slices to about one hundred hungry men. They were so unbelievably thankful for our help and service. They were all blessing us and trying to help. I did not do it with the English Ministry or even the college group. I helped out with a small group of about ten people from the KM. Quite honestly, the only people i knew and recognized were Catherine, Grace and Eugin's parents. It greatly saddens me that the EM does not do the same.

I have committed myself to helping out every open Saturday that I can. it was such a blessed time to serve the Lord and i now know that i am doing God's work.

it is convenient too. i had not realized until christmas how nearby all the homeless shelter's and outreach locations were to my apartment.

breaking into a car with a coat hanger

tonight was a night to be remembered.

we had a very intense bible study in which i learned a tremendous amount about how we are God's chosen people. we spent over two hours on just the first few verses of Ephesians alone.

afterwards, meeso and i helped joe break into his car. he had locked his car keys inside his car. we spent two frustrating hours coming up with various ways to break into it and implementing those plans. we finally got the door open and then went to go get celebration victory donuts and coffee from krispy kreme. praise God!

detached

3-D. detached, disconnected, dry. that's how i feel that my relationship with God has been lately. i can't understand it. i want God to be there in my life. i want to feel his presence. but lately, i have felt so so so alone. i wonder if it's because i'm just experiencing a "dry season." i talked with joe today about it. and he said most people go through this series of ups and downs in their relationship with God. but i've never heard of it until lately. i also met with jasmine yesterday and she said that her connection with God became dry for about a year. i think God uses this as a filter to strain out the people with an external faith with people who have a true faith.

the worst part is that tomorrow, we leave for a retreat. i'm a counselor. a leader. and i'm not prepared to spiritually guide and lead my group. i need God.

a poor return on the most important investment

i've really been thinking about my future life. not my future career, but my family life. and i've been mentally comparing and contrasting that imagined family to my current one. this led to an in-depth analysis of how my parents raised me.

i think everything went fairly well, except for two things.

1) manners - i've always been a well-mannered child and adult. or at least that's what i've been told and what i like to think. but there's a deeper level to it. there's manners to superiors (good at it) and manners to peers and equals (not so good at it). i continuously analyze my previous conversations later in the day. i sometimes say things, i know later i shouldn't have said, and i think to myself, "why the heck did i just say that? that was mean, rude, and cruel!"

2) showing me love - my dad never directly said he loved me. he would always say it indirectly or try to show it some other way like granting me a lot of freedom growing up. i vow to always remind my children that i love them. i really really want them to grow up in a christian quality environment. i never had it growing up, and i only discovered later in my life.

anyway, the point of this is, my parents consider me an important investment to their future and old age. i suppose they figured that i would take care of them in the event that they could no longer take care of themselves. and although i love my parents, i don't like my parents. i could not be around them and i'm not sure how i would feel about being forced to contribute to them financially.

to be continued...

lonely for people

you would never be able to guess this by just hanging out with me, but i am a very lonely person. not lonely for a girlfriend or a pet or anything like that. but lonely for people in general. this semester, and actually, probably since summer, i have noticed that i am missing people in my life. sure i have acquaintances. and way more than most people. but i don't have that many close friends. i yearn for someone i could just call up and say, "hey, let's watch a movie!" and lately, the number of people i could do that with is dwindling and dwindling.

in the last six months or so, i have become sort of a hermit, retreating into my apartment and rarely coming out of my room. as a direct result of that, i do not see people as often as i used to. and when i do, it's usually awkward and difficult. because of that, i try to avoid contact with people by staying in my room. it's a vicious cycle, you see? albeit, my room is very very cozy and comfortable so even if i was more social, i would spend a lot of time in my room anyway.

mv is my best friend at this point (again) and i truly treasure his friendship. i have great conversations that both of us find very enjoyable. as he says, "it's never a dull moment when we're hanging out."

now that i think about it, a girlfriend, or better yet, a dog would alleviate my loneliness. but that is not a viable option for me. possibly in the future, but for now, i think i am going to have to learn to live with it.