change

change can be a scary thing in many ways, but it's also a birth, it's also a transition. how many times have i said, and have you had this happen in your life, where a change was bad? it feels bad at the beginning and that's what change always feels like: i just got dumped by my girlfriend, this is horrible. i'm moving, this is horrible. i'm going to a new school this is horrible. i'm starting a new job, this is horrible. change always feels scary, always feels bad. why? because it's unknown and we're scared of the unknown. And that's what freaks us out. we build our lives around the known. we build our lives around: that's my car, that's my house, that's my wife, those are my kids, that's my club, this is where i go, that's my music, this is where i put my keys, and this is how i dress. that's what we build our lives around and when that gets interrupted, it scares the crap out of us. but yet, when it gets interrupted it's usually always for the best and if you think about the lives with no change, those are the most un-lived lives. it's the guy who's been the postal carrier for 60 years and lives in the house he grew up in. think about the opposite of change. Steve Jobs has had a lot of change in his life and i don't want to just equate it to money but i just mean change in one's life and lots of change makes for a very rich vivid colorful life that's been led, as opposed to: this is the town i grew up in, i'm coaching girl's basketball at the high school i attended, i married my sweetheart from the ninth grade and i'm in the house that my parents lived in until they passed on. that is a pathetic life. so change is a good thing. now here's the thing about change, often times, you don't get to be the captain of your own change ship. other people get to make those decisions and when you decide to change it feels good. i want to break up with this person, i want to move on, i have a higher paying job i'd like to get onto, you know what? metro atlanta is a much nicer place to live and i'm moving over there. that feels good. when someone else decides on change, well then you are freaked out and you don't know what to do. but... is it ever bad? think about all the change that's ever happened in your life, has it ever been bad? and no, for me, it's growth, it's the essence of growth, it's really what growth is, it's how you measure growth. it's the rings in your tree.

we are on a primal level, terrified of change. we are desperate to cling to anything warm and comfortable and familiar. but is change a bad thing? temporarily, it can be. you're out of a job, you're out of a relationship, you're out of your old apartment, you're out of your old neighborhood, but looking back, six months, a year from that point, have you ever looked back and said, "i wish i still had that job today." it's really the opposite. at the time, you thought your world was ending when you lost this job but then you got something better. in the moment, you think, "i can't believe this girl is dumping me, i'm never going to get over this." and then later on, down the road, you think, "thank God i didn't end up with that girl."

change is always met with resistance but if you let it go and you have a rear-view mirror and you see the change that has taken place in your life you'll understand that you never would have gotten that far down the road without all the change that is holding you up - and anyone who's made it to twenty has four or five significant changes behind them: relationships, jobs, schools, neighborhoods... have they ever been bad?

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rewards on earth, treasures in heaven

i never would have imagined that cooking and serving dinner to a hundred jobless, homeless men would be so rewarding.

tonight i went to atlanta union mission, the carpenter's house once again to help Bethany's korean ministry serve these men in need. in my last post about this, i mentioned that God had instilled in me a heart of servitude. although i still agree with that mindframe, i feel that a more accurate description of my heart would a description that focused on how my heart truly enjoys and rejoices when i serve them. God is so great that he put in me an immense eagerness that enjoys serving so much, not for the future benefits, but for the joy and fellowship i have with the fellow volunteers, the men who we are serving, and even the children of the volunteers. i love doing it. i get to meet new people, i receive praise from the km for my work, i have great conversations with the resident kitchen volunteers and i am encouraged by them. i do it to serve the Lord because we who serve are His hands and His feet on earth. but even more so, because my heart rejoices when i get smiled at and blessed by the homeless men.

quite honestly, i feel a little selfish because it blesses me so much.

granted, i have a massive language and cultural barrier on both sides. but God does not call us to remain in our comfort zones. rather, He calls us to do things we don't feel comfortable doing. sometimes it's embarassing. sometimes it's awkward. but without these little experiences, we would never grow at all.

consider this analogy. what if you never went to school because you were so comfortable with your parents and you didn't want to meet new people. what if you waited until you were comfortable leaving your parents? you wouldn't have gotten very far without taking that leap of faith, no?

serving the men at atlanta union mission definitely rocks way more than any philanthropy or service event at georgia tech (i.e. dance marathon, HERO, etc.) because of the immediate results. these men get so blessed and are so joyous just to see you. and it's soooo easy to interact with them and just sit down and have a conversation. those lame campus organizations can 't even begin to compare on the amount of life i feel and the joy i get out of serving these men. it's a direct connection rather than an indirect one. i mean, they're right there, living not more than five miles away from where i live. and a campus organization like that, in contrast, just doesn't directly relate the serving party and the party being served. i mean, "doing it for the kids?", really? i am very skeptical about that.

there are even huge benefits to helping these men. it creates a network as well. there are two examples that stand out in my mind.

1. campus parking. one of the men who helps to organize the homeless men works for Georgia Tech parking and he hooked me up with free parking for the semester!
   
2. special events. these men are involved in the community, hence they know a lot of people. today, i had a fantastic conversation with mike allen, a 53 year old homeless man who just encouraged me about my past, present, and future love life. he was also friends with the owner of uptown comedy club and he got me free tickets for me and four friends to enjoy the comedy club.
   

those are just two examples of worldly benefits i get out of serving. not to mention the even greater spiritual and emotional benefits from just uplifting these men and feeding them and fellowshipping with them and the other volunteers. i take so much joy out of it.

praise the Lord! today was a day of continual thanksgiving for everything God's given me in my life.

bubbles of society

i didn't really start noticing this until this semester but it's amazing how our little social bubbles and cliques remain separate from each other. for example, let us examine four different social bubbles i consider or used to consider myself a part of.

• delta chi - this is the fraternity i used to be an associate member in. i often hang out with these people on an individual basis and occasionally two or three at a time. however, i never see any of these gentlemen interacting with the other three groups except maybe occasionally the party animals.
• bethany metro atlanta small group - with the exception of mira, i rarely see this group interact with anyone who is not asian.
• gt party animals - these kids don't do anything but party and frat-hop. mostly girls.
• wheeler high school friends - this group has remained amazingly exclusive and reclusive. i say this because i looked at the facebooks of most of the kids i used to interact with and none of them have any posts on their walls from anyone outside of the wheeler community. i am truly amazed at how unique i am for branching out. that sounds so pretentious, but i really do believe i know more people outside of wheeler than any three wheeler/tech kids at tech combined.

these are just examples, i'm part of many of these little social bubbles on campus. the reason i bring this up tonight is because tonight i saw three of the above groups interact at the same event. well.... that's not true. sorry. two of the above groups interacted somewhat.

i invited wheatley, jane, and mv to free sushi tonight. but on the other hand, i also invited joe earlier in the week without remembering. these two groups sat on either side of me at the same table. and i didn't think it was awkward at all. as a matter of fact, both groups got along rather well. soo was there as well but she didn't sit with us, nor did i invite her. she went with her own friends. anyways, so that's dx and bethany interacting. very interesting. and estelle was at sushi as well and she brought some wheeler people. i didn't invite her either though.

so our little melting pot at steel of culture and cliques and organizations kind of triggered this thought. and i couldn't help but notice how some groups were very social and others are not social at all. they remain within their little protective social bubbles and refuse to come out. as someone who is very extroverted and good at meeting new people, i find this astounding. how could you not want to interact with the other groups when you have the opportunity?!?!

an extended version of the 25 note thing

1. I love love love God.

2. I am only half Korean. The other half is Japanese. And surprisingly, it is my father who is Japanese. My father changed his last name arbitrarily to Kim because it was short, sweet, easy to write, and in the 60’s not a lot of people had it (unlike now). This was done because of the tension between Korean people and Japanese people (some war, I forget). And my mother’s parents didn’t want her to marry a Japanese guy. So he pretended to be Korean by not talking much (he doesn’t speak Korean) and legally changing his name to Kim before he met my mother’s parents. i guess love makes you do crazy things, huh?

3. The only language I know is English because since my parents were of different nationalities, the only common language in our household was English. So that’s the one I was raised with. And I only passed through Spanish III. I failed Spanish IV.

4. My name is Blair Edward Kim. These names were chosen because they are European royalty (Blair was originally a Scottish prince and Edward was a bunch of English kings and princes and stuff) and my dad did not want biblical or originally Jewish names for me and my brother in case we did not become Christian.

5. I have a younger brother named Walter Spencer Kim (same deal with the names, see #4) and he is 3 years younger but 3 inches taller.

6. I don’t like cracking my knuckles.

7. I live on coffee so my room always smells like freshly roasted coffee.

8. I have been hit by lightning, twice. Once getting out of the pool and once when I was really angry, I was leaning against the gutter of my house in the rain and lightning hit the gutter and I was electrocuted.

9. I do not like music with a lot of drum beats. I don’t feel it is necessary to keep the beat with drums. I like quiet music that puts other people to sleep.

10. I get lonely very easily and hate being alone. But I also don’t like large groups of people either.

11. I once drank an entire bottle of maple syrup after seeing some of the characters from the movie Supertroopers do it. I later found out that the actors drank thickened sweet tea and not actually syrup. That made me mad. And I felt sick to my stomach for the rest of the day.

12. I pirate movies off the internet every day (shhhh!).

13. I severely dislike working out. I pretend I like it but really I don’t. I don’t get the endorphin rush other guys seem to get out of it and I don’t feel the need to become stronger or more awesome looking (ha!). I just need to get less fat. Working out makes me really tired and sore and I feel miserable for the rest of the day.

14. I think I am pretty good at designing and carpenting furniture and little things to make life easier.

15. I have only had one girlfriend in my life and we only dated for a month.

16. I have a huge heart for children and hence I serve in the children’s ministry at my church rather than joining everyone else for service. I want at least 3 kids and a big family but hopefully I’ll have more!

17. I would rather lose a leg than an arm.

18. I pay a lot more attention to detail than most people realize. When people don’t think I am listening, I usually am and I remember things that people don’t remember telling me.

19. I have kept a meticulously detailed record of everything I have done (events, long phone calls, people I hang out with, workouts, lunches with friends, skipping class, etc.) since September of 2004. And I have never missed recording a day. Ask me about the last time I had lunch with you and what we ate.

20. In addition to watching a lot of movies, I really like to make my own films. But I never show them to anyone else and I rarely make any films anymore.

21. I only really like one video game, it is a computer game, and it is the same game I have been playing since 1997. It is called Total Annihilation and it is a strategy game.

22. I don’t chew very much.

23. I have a cozy room. I have always had cozy and somewhat cramped rooms. I prefer smaller spaces (not so small that I become claustrophobic) but cozy. With a lot of lamps and rugs.

24. I don’t like doing laundry but I don’t mind doing the dishes.

25. I am spontaneous. I like to go do ridiculous things for fun (i.e. last night, my best friend uss and I searched the city at 2 am for an aadco electric road sign so that we could change it to say something more fun).

26. I know a lot of random things about history, economics and finances because that’s what my father studied and it’s all he used to talk to me about.

27. I have a mole on my left ear that makes it look like my ear is pierced. And it once was.

28. In high school, my mother never cooked so we ate out almost every day but I was still way more athletic than I am now.

29. I don’t sleep in a bed. I sleep on my futon and use my bed for storage. I have done that for about a year and prefer it that way.

30. I’m not gay but I kind of like the color pink. Not bright or dark pink. But more of a light whitish-pink that is more white than pink. I find it very soothing.

31. I like to have the window open (especially in winter).

32. Many of my close female friends have signed my bed. My big brother (in my fraternity) got me started on it and I continued the family tradition. And no, I haven’t done anything with any of them.

33. My favorite movies are ones in which the main character narrates what’s happening to them and you can watch it. I like movies that really tell a story instead of ones that just have a lot of action, romance or comedy.

34. I am really good at meeting people, especially girls (it’s not what you think) but bad at remembering I’ve met them.

35. The only time I got the guts up to ask a girl “out”, she turned me down (6th grade). We’re good friends now though.

36. I don’t drink. I don’t smoke.

37. I also don’t plan to start drinking again when I turn 21. So my 21st birthday will be a quiet ordeal because I am not celebrating getting to do something I couldn’t before, but rather I will be celebrating that I am a year older and that’s it.

38. I don’t get obsessed with anything or addicted to anything very easily.

39. I don’t like to sleep. I try to stay up as long as possible. I feel like it is the equivalent of death for 1/3 of your life (assuming you sleep 8 hours a day). My friends try to convince me otherwise but no one has succeeded. I normally do not sleep before 4am. And I am still an early riser. I have conditioned my body to run on only a few hours of sleep. I also take forever to fall asleep. Nowadays, I take sleep medication but when I was younger and I would sleep over at a friends’ house, I never actually fell asleep. It might have been the strange house or unfamiliar people but I just couldn’t sleep. I am also a very light sleeper.

40. I used to be pretty darn good at football for someone my size. Not anymore.

41. My favorite memories are the ones I made in the summer of 2006 in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. I got a full ride to attend a college credit dual-enrollment program at Carnegie Mellon University for two years and I didn’t go to class but had tons of fun! I failed every class two years in a row but still got the scholarship both years for some weird reason.

42. I am fascinated by different conceptions of the future. I love dystopian films and do a lot of internet research towards predictions and prophecies.

43. I like weather extremes. They make me feel tough.

44. I don’t like sweets as much but prefer good food.

45. I remember the morning my brother was born. I was only three and a half but still remember. I remember eating eggo waffles with Tabasco sauce for breakfast before going to the hospital to see my mom and new baby brother. I remember sitting in the waiting room looking at pictures of trains in a train magazine. I remember my dad telling me to go take mommy some water. I remember the bottle of water the most. It was a big Rubbermaid or Tupperware bottle with a yellow screw-on lid that had a pop-open top.

46. I categorize my friends into people who care about me and people who wouldn’t know I was missing. Do you know which group you are in? Actually, if you are reading this, you are in the group who cares and that I care about because I edited the privacy settings so that only the people who care or I care about can see this note.

47. I was once in a fraternity (Delta Chi) and will be in one again soon (Delta Chi). I hope.

48. I walk very slowly. Painfully slowly. I really really dislike walking fast anywhere. I think if you're walking, it means you want to enjoy your walk. If you're trying to get somewhere fast, you might was well run.

49. I rock at Ultimate Frisbee, the cello, and quick-reflex card games.

50. I know a lot about Atlanta and am good at finding my way around it because I spend a lot of money and time at good restaurants and stuff in Atlanta. I know many hidden gems and good deals. Let me buy you lunch sometime.

51. Everyone I know seems to know my most closely guarded secret. So I guess it’s not a secret anymore. I guess I didn’t guard it closely enough.

52. I liked to hide in department store clothing racks while my mom was shopping.

53. I don’t like basketball, soccer, tennis, ping pong, lacrosse, and most of all, bowling.

54. I had a lot of legos growing up.

55. My parents were probably much too lenient with me growing up. I got punished a lot as a kid but I got bigger than my parents very quickly. After that, I don’t think they really knew how to punish me or were just uncomfortable doing so. As a result, being grounded meant that if I asked permission to do something, it was no. But my parents always forgot I was grounded and eventually I just stopped asking permission. By the time I got to high school, I was never punished for anything. And allowed to do everything.

56. The worst injury I have experienced was when stepping on broken glass as a little kid. The most pain I have ever experienced was being hit during football by my friend Charles who now plays football for Dartmouth.

57. I got in trouble a lot during school. My parents never knew because I forged their signatures.

58. I am not afraid of authority. Cops are there to be community servants so stand tall! I got to ride in a police car once just because I asked. And last weekend, I got to ride a police motorcycle because I asked.

59. I have a tattoo. Just kidding. But I do want one.

60. I usually eat alone during the week. My schedule doesn’t coincide with people I know.

61. I don’t watch tv anymore. I accidentally tripped over the cord to my tv last month and ripped out the cable input on the tv.

62. I went to a magnet school instead of the high school I was supposed to go to.

63. I don’t want to be a doctor. I don’t want to be a lawyer. I don’t really care about making a lot of money. I just want to have fun with my job.

64. I am really good at mental math. College math, not so much.

65. I was awarded the “Contributed Most to Class” superlative in high school.

66. I am afraid of zombies. Once, a few years ago, I woke up early to get a drink of water. After I had quenched my thirst, I was sleepily trudging back up the stairs. When I reached the top, I saw a figure in my peripheral vision that I had not seen because it was behind the corner at the top of the stairs. Thinking it was a zombie, I yelled and punched it in the face. It was my dad.

67. I have a low gpa. Really low.

68. I am good at swimming pool games. Hence, I really like them. Sharks and minnows and stuff like that.

69. I like dressing up. Suits and all that. I don’t do it often though.

70. I’m not very funny but I like to have fun.

71. I ride my road bike around campus a lot.

72. I have never been fishing, skiing, surfing, sailing, or snow boarding.

73. If you ever want to get me anything, don’t buy me something, but spend some time with me.

74. I have stayed 2 nights in the Georgia Tech Hotel and Conference Center. For a conference.

75. You don’t want to get in a fight with me. I’m not big or strong or fast but I’m quick and I don’t give up.

76. I know how to use a gun. But I can't shoot.

77. I don’t like watching sports. I prefer to play.

78. I have never seen more than a few inches of snow.

79. In a few years, I will legally have to change my last name back to the original (Koga) in order to get any inheritance from my grandmother.]

80. My best friend in high school and I are now enemies.

81. I have my dream car, and it’s fast but I normally drive slowly unless stressed. Not to say I don’t like driving fast, I just normally drive slowly. Really.

82. I like dogs more than cats.

83. I like to listen to stories. I don’t like to read. But I really like short 5-20 minute audio stories (i.e. the moth podcast).

84. I hate routines.

85. I don’t like paying for bottled water.

86. I used to go really far into the woods and explore with my childhood friends all the time. I found tire swings, tree houses and what we called the Berry Patch which was someone’s backyard that had trampolines and flowers and old rusty cars and fun stuff kids would like.

87. I am really bad at basketball.

88. I am loaded. Financially. I currently have more money than almost all college students earn while they are in college. Hence, I love to treat people to lunch or dinner and if you ever need help financially (other than paying for your college) I will try to help you.

89. I don’t like pizza very much.

90. I can fly for free for the rest of my life.

91. If I don’t like you, you’ll know it. But don’t worry. I like you.

92. I would rather burn than freeze.

93. I don’t like Mondays or Tuesdays. Those are my most routine-filled, most lonely, most busy days.

94. All my nicknames are a variation of my real name Blair. I don’t have any nicknames for special ability or uniqueness. They are blar, blarr, blaarr (same nickname, everyone spells it differently), bliss, BKay, blairbear, beelair.

95. I don’t like spiders.

96. I use a lot of napkins when I eat.

97. I always talk about hot girls but I always have a specific one in mind.

98. I would really really like to go to outer space.

99. I don’t think any of you have ever seen me really mad. Really mad. My hands start shaking uncontrollably. And I tend to lose any semblance of self control.

100. I believe in space aliens.