looking outwards

i have been given the opportunity to lead small group this week. i've been planning to take us to atlanta union mission, the carpenter's house.

now i admit, i haven't been praying for the opportunity. but i have been yearning to share the blessings of that place with my peers and that is evident in some of my previous blog posts. i hadn't realized this yearning until this saturday when i was given this opportunity. NOW i will be praying that the Lord will reveal himself to us through this.

i have been truly dissatisfied with small group of late. granted, we have a lot of newcomers and that is wonderful. it is great to see new faces coming to become intimate with God. however, i have been asking, "am i seeing these new faces because they feel comfortable and at home among their fellow believers? or is it because they truly wish to seek His face?" small group has become routine. it has become about emotions. and worst of all, it has become a constant. i realized this week, although sometimes i dreaded attending small group and tried to wiggle out of it, was it because i was truly "busy"? are we truly that busy? could i not spare 3 hours to share with my brothers and sisters my struggles over the course of the week? or are we no longer seeing that spark of God in that place? has the air become dead? why was i seeking an excuse not to go? it hit me at the end of small group last week when jae said, "it's time to take the next step and shake things up and contribute to our community." we have been looking inwards to ourselves for so long. we have been focusing on our selfish problems and desires and thinking it was holy. we have lost sight of what God wants. no. we should focus outwards on God's people who are less fortunate than we are. we will only make ourselves more miserable, more unhappy by focusing on our problems, on our wants and needs. if we look outward, we will see how tiny and insignificant our selfish emotions are. and we will truly see for the first time. and our problems, our desires won't just seem smaller to us, but we will begin to focus on God's desires.

are we truly ready to take the next step? are we truly ready to shake things up? are we truly ready to become vulnerable for God? many of us are. many of us are not. it saddens me because i realized this after speaking with vivian about spiritual gifts tonight. she saw someone speaking in tongues for the first time ever and it truly terrified her. it caused her to see doubts in her walk. and as she was telling me this, i realized, is she that different from most of the small group people? no! she is not unique in her fear of the unknown. we are all afraid of becoming vulnerable. we are all afraid of exposing ourselves. but we will be stronger for it. but there will be bumps along the road. these devotionals we will be having over the next few weeks will truly separate the spiritually strong from the spiritually weak.

this afternoon, i took soo along with me to Atlanta Union Mission. we visited my friend mike allen and asked him for some advice about bringing my friends there.

we had dinner together with him and his friend michael and it was such a wonderful blessed time. he shared his testimony and it was beautiful to hear how much he cared about me after meeting me. he remembered me and was afraid i had forgotten him. just to see how happy he was to see me and see that i had remembered him was a blessing in it of itself.

i was ashamed because spiritually, they are wealthier than we are. they are so in tune with God. yes, they have made their share of mistakes. but in a sense, don't we all have an addiction to something or other in our lives? can we truly say that we are better than they are? they learned from their experiences and exited their lifestyles before it became too late. before they died. but are we any better? have we learned from our life mistakes? visiting that place puts my life on display in perspective for me.

Isaiah 61
The Year of the LORD's Favor

¹ The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
because the LORD has anointed me
to preach good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,

² to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,

³ and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD
for the display of his splendor.

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